Self-parenting and Dissociative Identity Disorder

Posted On March 3, 2024

Many who live with dissociative identity disorder fantasize about their birth parents showing up and loving them unconditionally. While we all know this isn’t possible, it leads to one conclusion: we must learn to parent ourselves.

 

In this article, we shall explore self-parenting when you have DID.

 

The Inner Child

 

 

Everyone, not only multiples, has a part of themselves that never entirely grew up to adulthood called the inner child. The inner child is a part of your subconscious mind that has gleaned messages from before you could process what those messages were. The inner child holds memories, emotions, and beliefs from past experiences and is responsible for our hopes and dreams for the future.

 

When one has dissociative identity disorder, there are usually several inner children who are stuck in the memories of trauma time, the period when you were actively being maltreated.

 

Sometimes, when multiples are triggered, it may seem like they are coming out of the blue but originate from your inner children. The triggers are often negative and can lead to negative emotions, actions, or thinking.

 

Once triggered, the multiple will see the world as they saw it when the abuse happened: frightening and big. These inner children have no sense of safety and will sometimes lash out, causing the person with DID to have angry outbursts or worse.

 

The emotions, thinking, and actions created by an inner child spill over into adulthood, causing many problems, such as continuously searching for a rescuer and causing their adult self to think of themselves as a lost and hopeless case.

 

The Fantasies of a Wounded Inner Child

 

 

Abused children are too small to escape their abusive caregivers. Some abused children may cling to their abuser because they are all they know. Yet, others will run away from home as soon as they can, looking for their dream parents.

 

They may not know they are looking for parenting, but it shows up in their relationships with friends and significant others. Below are signs that you may be looking for a mother or father to rescue you.

 

• You fall into relationships wanting your significant other to take care of you.
• You find yourself entangled with people who remind you of your caregivers.
• You feel unsafe or abandoned when your significant other builds a boundary.

 

There are many other signs and symptoms that someone is looking for parents they cannot have. In reality, no one can or wants to treat another adult as their child, and even if they did, they could never live up to the fantasy parents you are looking for.

 

Learning to Parent Yourself

 

 

 

When you consider parenting, what do you think the most? Do you think of receiving unconditional love from a parent? Do you think of being tucked into bed after a warm meal?

 

Those who have dissociative identity disorder did not receive the nurturance and warmth they deserve, including parents recognizing and offering recognition, dignity, and love. It is now up to us to reparent ourselves if we are to defeat the remaining trauma-related behaviors and emotions.

 

There are many things you can self-parent and heal your inner child.

 

The first thing you must do is to recognize the inner children in your life exist and have a right to be upset. After all, they went through hell and still think they are there.

 

The next thing to do is to become compassionate with yourself. Multiples are notoriously hard on themselves, believing they do not belong, are stupid, or worse, are unworthy of good things. Learning to love yourself is a significant leap forward, and you will find you are less triggered and experience fewer flashbacks and takeovers by alters. You can begin by looking in the mirror at least once daily and telling yourself you love yourself. It will initially feel awkward, and you may scoff, but didn’t you want your parents to tell you they loved you?

 

Next, you need to nurture your inner child by listening to and soothing them when triggered and frightened. It is critical to protect your inner children from the same things you wouldn’t want an outer child to do, such as watching scary movies that will only scare them and possibly cause great harm.

 

Setting firm boundaries with your children and all the alters is vital for your preservation. Inner children can bring much chaos to your life. Boundaries may include they must go to your safe place in your mind when you are being intimate, or they may not steal.

 

Other ways to self-parent include the following:

 

• Modeling good behavior for your inner child.
• Creating a routine for your day (children love routine).
• Teaching your inner children what you value.

 

The bottom line is that you should treat your inner children as real children and teach them that you will always protect them. Remember, they are you, and you are them, so every time you show them love, respect, and dignity or hold them in your arms, you do those things for yourself.

 

Ending Our Time Together

 

Self-parenting may seem daunting, but so does allowing the emotions and triggers your inner child feels to run your life. You can lead yourself from the darkness of trauma time into the light of now.

 

I have personal experience with reparenting myself. At the beginning of my healing journey, I depended on others for nurturance. I hooked onto my therapist, looking to her for what I needed, and she responded by caring for me but being cautious not to allow me to become utterly dependent on her.

 

I then looked to other people to rescue and love me, but they could not live up to my wants and needs.

 

Then, one warm summer day, I finally understood that no one could parent me but me. I don’t need other people’s approval or nurturance because I can do so myself. I began by telling myself I loved myself. It was hard at first but got progressively more manageable as time passed.

 

Afterward, I looked for ways to nurture myself, like buying new clothes and seeking people to befriend me. This befriending was different than before because I wasn’t looking for someone to rescue me, but rather someone to hang out with and confide in.

 

I have practiced self-parenting for around ten years and am growing by leaps and bounds. Self-parenting was the key that opened the lock to my healing.

 

I hope you will consider self-parenting because it can help you, too. Speak to your therapist or do some Google searches on this topic and see if it is right for you.

 

“Most of us can only recall important events in our childhood. The inner child tends to be pushed aside when we grow up and develop our identity as an adult. However, the unresolved hurtful feelings that we have carried since childhood still reside in our memories and body, whether we are aware of them or not.” – Yong Kang Chan.

“When we accept that our parents will never be the way we want them to be, we can stop seeking love and acceptance from them, and our hearts will become lighter.” – Yong Kang Chan.