The Tragedy of Parentification

Posted On March 9, 2024

I apologize for the lack of pictures in this post. Something was wrong with WordPress this morning.

 

Children should be allowed to be kids and grow up slowly and with joy. However, people who have survived severe childhood trauma did not have that option. Many were the victims of abuse and neglect, but one form of child abuse not usually mentioned in the literature is parentification.

 

This article will examine parentification and how it impacts survivors today.

 

What in the World is Parentification?

 

 

Parentification is when a child is forced to grow up too fast because they have taken on parental responsibilities for their siblings and often their parents. These children care for their siblings and parents mentally, physically, and emotionally, maintaining the house and cooking food.

 

Paula McNitt, PhD, once stated that when clients come into her office for therapy who say their child is older than their years, she always suspects parentification.

 

When a child is in the position of caring for their siblings, they have all the responsibility for their care but none of the power to correct them when they need it. These children are stuck in a morass of emotional turmoil that often leads to long-term mental health problems such as anxiety or depression.

 

Those of us who lived with the effects of dissociative identity disorder and were older than our siblings often took on this role and may still fulfill it to this day.

 

Possible Causes of Parentification

 

There are many reasons a child is parentified and tries their best to fill the vacuum their parents leave behind. Children are not mentally or emotionally capable of being mother to their siblings or listening to their parents complain or tell about their sexual exploits. Yet, all too often, children are forced to behave like grown-ups but have no power to change their plight.

 

Below are only a few of the main reasons children become parentified.

 

Chronic illness, disability, or the death of a parent. A parent who is chronically ill or disabled may pass on their responsibilities to their child. The death of a parent brings with it some unique problems for the parentified child as they become heavily involved in soothing their surviving parent and their grieving siblings.

 

Alcoholism and drug addiction. Perhaps this is the scenario most people think of when they think of a child who is growing up too fast in an alcoholic or other drug-abusive home. Alcoholism and drug addiction are selfish diseases that often lead to a parent ignoring the needs of their children. Since the parent is preoccupied with their substance abuse, it often becomes the misplaced responsibility of one of the children, most often the eldest, to attempt to take care of the home.

 

Divorce. Divorce is extremely difficult for children because it often means they lose contact and care from one of their parents. Sometimes, because of divorce, the parent who is given custody leans too heavily on their children for support and understanding. The only problem is that children are not equipped to handle the responsibility of consoling or providing advice to an adult or anyone for that matter. They are kids, not therapists.

 

Immaturity of the parent, depression, or emotional unavailability of the parent. Sometimes, children are born into homes where the parents are immature, have a mental health disorder, or are emotionally unavailable to their children. When this occurs, one of the children, again usually the oldest, attempts to fill in the gaps for their siblings and themselves.

 

Financial hardship. If the parentified child’s household is poor for whatever reason, the parents may expect their parentified child to either go out and earn money somehow or to take care of the home and other children while they are away from home.

 

What Does Parentification Do To a Child?

 

Parentification has many effects on a child, and they will last into adulthood. The observed symptoms vary from person to person and sometimes aren’t apparent until later in life.

 

Parentification might cause the child to form mental health disorders such as depression and anxiety that will stretch into their future lives. Parentification often causes the child to have problems showing and receiving love from others.

 

Kids who were emotionally parentified face difficulties like eating disorders and substance abuse problems later in life or even while they are still children. Parentified people might exhibit angry outbursts, poor communication skills, and experience instability in their relationships with friends, family, and life partners.

 

Behaviors of parentified children may include any of the following.

 

Caring for their younger siblings. Often, parentified children will take on the role of mother or father of their younger sibling’s lives. Some things a parentified child will do for their younger siblings may include changing diapers, bathing, feeding, and putting their sibling to bed. If the sibling is older, the parentified child may prepare food, wash the clothes, and more.

 

Become responsible for the upkeep of the household. Too often, parentified children take on the responsibilities of paying the bills, cleaning the house, cooking meals, and other responsibilities belonging to their parents.

 

Provides emotional support to their parents. Parentified children often are trapped in the position of offering emotional support to their parents. They may be forced to listen to their parent’s frustrations and complaints and be told information that is not appropriate for a child’s ears.

 

Be responsible for caring for themselves. Parentified children often are forced to provide their own self-care, such as making their own doctor’s appointments and caring for their own physical and emotional needs.

 

What Can You Do To Help Yourself If You Were Parentified?

 

One of the most incredible things you can do for yourself if you were parentified as a child is to seek out a therapist. If you have dissociative identity disorder, the therapist needs to be trauma-informed or have some experience treating DID.

 

It is critical to set healthy boundaries with your parents, delineate the line between you and them, and unhook yourself from their hip. This solution is complex, but you deserve your own life and can allow yourself to feel upset that this happened to you and proud because you were and are so strong.

 

Because parentification makes us feel guilty for self-care and self-love, many people are hard on themselves or ignore their needs. You must recognize that you were never responsible for your parents and that it is okay to care for your needs. If you need help from someone else, you must force yourself to reach out. If you are ill, call your doctor. If someone shows love toward you, respond in kind. It’s okay to take care of yourself; it really is.

 

Ending Our Time Together  

 

I was parentified as a child as my father was in the Navy and gone for months at a time, and my mother was addicted to both alcohol and prescription drugs. I was responsible for caring for my younger siblings and cleaning the house. As a result of these responsibilities and the severe abuse that was so bad that I formed dissociative identity disorder, I formed severe depression as a child.

 

As an adult, I felt hooked at the hip with my mother for many years. When I did seek a therapist’s care, I began building boundaries between my mother and myself, but it wasn’t easy. Mom didn’t like my pulling away from her to lead my own life and attempted several times to make me feel guilty for my self-care.

 

What happened to me is happening to millions of children right now. Children must be screened for parentification so they can receive the help they need. If not, these children will grow up into adults who are deeply emotionally wounded and unable to love themselves.

 

If you were parentified as a child and are suffering the consequences of it, please reach out to a therapist who is trauma-informed to explore and accept what happened to you. After treatment, you will feel better about yourself and see your relationships improve.

 

“There’s nothing loving or caring about a close parent-child relationship when it services the needs and feelings of a parent rather than the child.”
― Kenneth Adams

 

“The fact that you are questioning your relationship with your parent means you are bringing about awareness and activating the process of change in yourself. By increasing your awareness, your own intuitive healing journey began. Trust in time for answers that are not clear yet and love the questions themselves.”
― Kenneth Adams