Living Well Despite a Serious Illness and Having Dissociative Identity Disorder
I’ve been gone a while from Internet land as I attempt to recover from a serious illness. One thing I noticed during my trial was that I didn’t spend a lot of time dissociating nor did I lose much time.
This article will focus on what it means to have a serious illness and still remain you.
My Illness
I learned that I have cirrhosis of the liver a few months back. The type of cirrhosis I have is not provoked by alcohol usage. Instead, my cirrhosis is caused by eating high-fat foods all my life, as unfortunately, most Americans do.
The symptoms are severe with something called ascites, where I retain water all over my body, especially in the abdomen. I swelled up like a balloon and looked like I was pregnant.
I also gained 30 pounds from the fluid retention, which greatly hurt my ego. I had successfully lost weight before this time and had gotten under 250 pounds for the first time in years.
The pain I experience day-to-day is sometimes great but for the most part, it is manageable with Acetaminophen.
Why I Tell You All This
I felt it was important that I share my story to explain why I dropped out for so long, and to offer encouragement to those who, like me, suffer from DID.
Perhaps you struggle daily with the loss of time and dissociating into an alternate state. I’m here to tell you it will get better if you do not give up. I know this because I have become a person who does not dissociate much, even when there is pain and discomfort.
I say much because I did notice some spacing out, but I remained me the whole time. In the past, I would have split to allow other parts of me, that were stronger than me, to share the pain.
I was in the hospital for six days and still remained me.
There were many moments during my hiatus from writing when I wished to hell I could switch. I could have done so if I wanted to, but I didn’t.
In time, after you have worked hard in therapy, you too will leave switching behind.
Ending Our Time Together
Cirrhosis of the liver is a fatal disease, but my doctors assure me I should make it many more years before it kills me. In the meantime, I’m going to help as many of you as I can to understand that dissociative identity disorder is not a fatal illness and you don’t have to live in chaos forever.
I can remember a lady I knew who was very ill and worked diligently to help others before she died. She told me she had stopped dissociating into an alter and wanted to tell me about it. I absorbed her words and we lost her soon after.
What I am trying to relate to you is that you are not alone and there are people out here in Internet land who care deeply for you. I will keep writing about the different aspects of DID and hope I help at least one person.
Chin up! Things WILL get better.
🤗🤗🤗
For YOU, Shirley!!!
with LOVE!!!
Lari
So happy to hear from you again,you are greatly missed
Wow Shirley! When I saw your name in my inbox, my heart leapt for joy! You’re having a hard time and yet you are celebrating too. And I imagine the pain you’re in and also join you fully in the celebration of staying you! It is hard to hold these opposites in life. Just yesterday I felt the reluctance of a part of me to let go of control of me. But I was on that threshold of awareness where I could feel her tug into dissociation and the sense of Justice she felt she could carve out for herself there. But I could also feel my awareness of me knowing where the integrated side was. It is clear that something in my brain is connected that wasn’t connected before. This threshold is relatively new for me and lately I notice this dance I do between my whole me and my dissociated fragments of me on a regular basis. It’s like I’m walking down a road that that gets laid down brick by brick. But also there is still a part of the road not yet built. And I so want to walk that part. So yes, it’s progress, it’s slow, but it is also steady, and stable. And even with all the losses and illness, we are still claiming precious wholeness of a life that is worthy and beautiful no matter how far down this brick road of healing we ultimately make it. Not only that but all of our paths have gone farther because of your efforts and our connection through your efforts!
Love, appreciation and celebration!
Noemi
Oh, thank you! I needed to hear that.
This was the best news when this popped up! I’m so so thankful to see you writing again. As always such a pleasure to see you back up and running. Your fight gives me hope like no one else I know. You are a priceless friend. Someone that deserves to be listened to and seen. You have made so much progress and you did that all on your own. You are to me, the hope that is grounds to heal. 💚
So good to hear from you, Shirley. I’m spit of the tough medical diagnoses you continue to thrive. I wish you the best.