The Trauma Surrounding Outliving Your Abusers
***Trigger Warning****
Strong talk about the death of perpetrators
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Many of us hope and pray for it, but we are little prepared when it happens, the death of someone who has abused us.
This article will take a glance at why it is so hard for survivors when an abuser dies.
A Dire Situation
Dissociative identity disorder is caused by repeated severe trauma, like any type of abuse and neglect. Children who form DID are often living in homes where danger lurks around every corner and touch is too often painful.
Abused and neglected children have no choice but to turn to their caregivers for their needs. Something drives us to attach to the people who harm us, and we find it impossible to leave those abusive relationships or we copy them later in life. Children, especially very young kids, cannot simply call a friend to escape or run away.
Even when the law is called, often the child will find no ally to save them. Ask any sex crime lawyer and you’ll be told the same.When there is aid given, the child is likely to be removed from their home and sent into foster care. For a child who is already fragmented, losing their home is yet another brick in the wall of horrible events in the child’s existence.
Attachment to the Perpetrator
To understand the trauma surrounding outliving one’s abusers, it is first important to examine attachment to the perpetrator.
It is normal for children to bond with the adults in their lives. After all, when we are born, we cannot take care of even our most fundamental needs for our survival. Our human brains are hard-wired to seek the faces and voices of our mothers and to coo, cry, or do whatever we needed to do to get them to respond to our needs.
Children are remarkably capable of feeling love and loyalty for their adults, even when they are abusive. DID makes things worse by lessening the child’s ability to escape when they can by telling a teacher or other adult about what is going on. This happens because the child might not remember the abuse because they have dissociated away from the memory and the emotions that accompany them.
While dissociation splits the child with DID from their emotions, it also keeps the child trapped in a desperate situation.
Children living in abusive homes learn to adapt to what is happening to them. That sounds incredible, but so are children. They cling to the perpetrator for life, knowing full well that their caregiver is dangerous and unloving.
Adult Survivors Attached to Their Perpetrators
As adults, the attachment to the perpetrator may continue even after the person living with DID remembers what happened. Recognizing that they were horrifically maltreated by the people they were supposed to trust for their care is immensely painful and disorienting.
Even if the caregiver is still mistreating them, some adult survivors find themselves reacting with dissociation and cannot pull away because of the great emotional toll it will cost them to do so. Sometimes survivors feel an obligation to their caregiver and look up to them for support, which further injures them when their abuser cannot comply.
It is very difficult to pull away from the influence of a perpetrator. They often send conflicting signals of ‘come here and go away’. Further complicating things, survivors may feel an obligation because of what society tells them they should do.
Limiting contact with the perpetrator or avoiding it altogether are the only ways survivors can limit further damage and start to feel good about themselves.
A word of warning: if you choose to cut all contact with your perpetrator, expect some hard days ahead, as the guilt you were taught by them will surface in a myriad of ways.
When an Abuser Dies
Relief might be the first response one would expect from a survivor when they discover their perpetrator has died. After all, the survivor’s abuser can never harm them again.
However, the trauma carries on in the memories and scars in a survivor’s soul and life. It takes some work to get past the fact that their life has just changed for the better and to reframe who they are without the perpetrator in their life. Suddenly, they are no longer she/he/they who have been abused by someone who is still living, but they are now free of the influence of someone who tore them down for so many years.
There are some powerful emotions that will surface upon discovery that a perpetrator is dead. Feelings of anger, disgust, sadness, and grief plague survivors until they have gone through all five stages of grief with the twist of the person who has died being someone who hurt them so badly.
Attending the perpetrator’s funeral may not be possible because of family dynamics, but if it is possible, survivors should go. Somehow, seeing the person who hurt them for so long dead and in their casket or in an urn can reassure one that they are free.
Allow yourself to grieve if you want to but also don’t feel bad if you feel a sense of relief, and yes, joy over the perpetrator’s death. Both are natural responses.
Ending Our Time Together
This author understands the pressure and guilt that being involved with a perpetrator can bring. I was in contact heavily with one of my abusers for many years until her death. She used guilt and my potent feelings of fealty against me ensuring her narcissistic partner was caught in her web.
I tried to cut all ties with her once, but found the guilt and fear to be too strong. My therapist suggested I limit my exposure to her and only visit with her as long as I could tolerate it and still feel like a dutiful daughter. I limited my contact to two hours and achieved some level of success.
When she died, I cried for about ten minutes, then felt such relief wash over me that finally, I was free of her. That may on the surface sound crass, but she died with me knowing I had been a good daughter putting up with her sh**.
Did and do I miss her? Rarely, but sometimes. It is only natural that I should harbor some emotions for her. After all, she was a huge part of my life for over fifty years.
I hope this article has helped those of you who are facing the death of your perpetrator or have already done so. The purpose here was not to use shock to gain your readership, but to talk about a topic that is extremely difficult to broach.
Keep your chin up, my friend, and remember you are not that perpetrator, no matter how hooked at the hip you feel. You are a wonderful, unique human being who deserves happiness, joy, and love.
“No one is ever a victim, although your conquerors would have you believe in your own victimhood. How else could they conquer you?”
― Barbara Marciniak
“When something poses as an obstacle to you, surmount it and use it as a miracle to move on to greater height.”
― Ifeanyi Enoch Onuoha
I let myself be guilted by my siblings into going to my father/abuser’s funeral. I don’t even remember now how long he’s been dead. And I don’t care. I was dissociated the whole time, watching myself moving from room to room, yet furious that everyone was allowing him to pull the con even in death. But I think it would have been more traumatic to not participate. It would have made me the bad child yet again, and I just wanted to get him and it all BURIED. My “others” cooperated, God bless their hearts, by just checking out. And that’s okay. I never think of him anymore. What a blessing that is! He never deserved to be thought of. And I am grateful he’s gone. What a disgrace of a life!
That’s the way I felt when my mom died. Thank you for your comment. Shirley
My maternal abuser just died 7/23/2022. Relief is all i can feel. I did cut her off for 20+ years but b4 my father’s death (we had an ongoing relationship with him.) He tricked me back into the fold.. and then died two months later. Leaving her on my plate to handle. I did limit any contact but with a sibling on the other side of the country there were some things only i could manage! She was on “deaths door” 4 times ~When we rearranged our whole lives to address her issues. This time neither of us budged we got there when we could. I saw her the day b4 she died. My sister didn’t make it there while she was alive.
Having to manage her estate is complicated and once again leaves me in charge of her physical space. That is hard. The only thing that motivates me to a thing is that maybe at least there will b some financial compensation at the end. Enough ??Abso-fucking-lutely NOT. But something.
I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I can’t imagine how it must be for you. I’ll be thinking of you. Shirley
Thank you for this post. I am facing this dilema right now, with the impending death of my dad, who was the main abuser in my childhood and youth. Plus manipulation from my mom, who knew about the abuse and let it happen, trying to tell me how I should feel and how I should tell my dad now that I love him. I’m having very mixed and opposing feelings about both relationships. Relief, sorrow, guilt (because I don’t want to call him, but will I regret this decision once he is gone), and many other emotions. It is super hard!! I have to do what is best for me/us, though, to take care of me/us at this time; no matter what others may think or say I should do.
Thank you for addressing this topic.
I’m sorry you are going through that. My mother died rather suddenly and my father died when I was young. Mom was only one of my abusers but I have now outlived all of them. Do what is best for you. If you feel you should tell him you love him then do, but don’t say it if you are forcing yourself to. It will feel like a self-betrayal. I am glad broaching this topic has helped. My condolences for your dilemma. Shirley