A Confession and My Well Wishes
I have been absent from the Internet for quite some time and thought I owed everyone an apology and an explanation. The piece below is from my soul and I hope you can take it as a not only a confession and a warning but also as me telling you how much I care even at the end of my life.
A Confession and My Well Wishes
I live with depression, anxiety, and an addiction to prescription drugs. Oh yes, I am also facing the end of my life. Surprised or troubled by what I just revealed? That’s okay, I believe I can clarify what I just said a little bit.
I was abused from birth to my early teens by someone I loved very much so I saw and still see the world as a dangerous place filled with people I cannot trust. Being a loner all my life, it has been a tough journey to admit that I need other people and must learn to trust them.
The depression I’ve had since I was six years old shut me into my own little world where I needed no one and they sure as hell didn’t need me. I was in mental anguish so it is not surprising that I abused a painkilling drug. What I did not understand is that this drug was known to cause problems in the liver. So, unknowingly I consumed the pills like they were candy.
My problem began fifty years ago when I was given meds for the relief of pain from a dental procedure. I liked the feeling the meds brought me and addiction roared to life. Daily I abused my drugs telling myself it was okay because they were prescribed by a doctor not recognizing or downright ignoring what the pills might be doing to me.
My addiction got so bad that I stole painkillers from friends and family. My addiction consumed me as I worked to get my hands on more drugs. I even tried to write my own prescription once. This, as you might expect, didn’t go well with the pharmacy or my doctor who called the police. I was called to go down to the police station over the phone. I knew what I had done. I was terrified as the police told me it was up to the Illinois attorney general to decide if there will be charges filed. I didn’t end up in jail by pure unadulterated luck. I lost my doctor and pharmacy due to my actions.
One would think being caught and having the police officers called on me would make me crave sobriety.
It didn’t.
My brother tried and tried for years to tell me about the damage I was doing to my body, especially my liver, but I could not hear him. I refused to admit to myself that I was destroying the only body I will ever have. Worse, the more I took of the pills the more I needed to take to achieve the same high.
Then one day I realized I was sitting with my therapist so high I could barely speak. It was then that I admitted to my therapist that I was misusing prescription drugs. She wasn’t shocked as I feared she might be and instead told me she was proud of me for my admission. The next person I told was my brother who also had an addiction just to a different substances. He was elated and told me he was glad I’d had the epiphany and that I had passed by into sobriety, at least emotionally.
Without delay I went off the pills cold turkey and suffered horribly for around two weeks.
The withdrawal was horrible as my body adjusted and I craved just one pill to stop the insomnia, chills, feeling I was burning up and my severe mental impairments. My suffering was much more than I can describe. Because of the physical anguish my depression returned and I refused to leave the house even to see my therapist whom I cared for very much for weeks.
By the way, I do not recommend that anyone go cold turkey off their substance of choice. Consult your doctor first and consider the idea that you may need to be hospitalized. I should have been.
After I regained my senses from the withdrawal, I knew I had to tell my doctors the truth about my drug problem. They also were not surprised and promised me they would never prescribe them to me again.
It’s been ten years since I gained sobriety. I wish I could say I lived happily ever after but life isn’t like that. Recently I have been diagnosed with severe liver cirrhosis and I am going to die. When I learned that I have two years or less to live, the depression, surprisingly, did not return.
Indeed, the depression has not been much of a problem although I find myself feeling anxious sometimes. When I received the diagnosis I was surprised and still do not know what to think or feel about dying. However, I am hoping it is more peaceful than my life has been.
Somehow I have learned to take life as it comes (it is what it is) and I try to remember that everyone and everything will die. It feels really funky when I sit still enough to think about a world without me. I often feel overwhelmed but have found peace in my faith and the people who surround me.
I am not afraid. In fact I am looking forward to the adventure.
Until now I never realized how precious my sobriety is to me. When I hear or see other people who are still living in the chaos of addiction I feel their pain as they seek a peaceful resolution to their life struggles.
Life is just too short to spend it carrying regrets or anger. Each day I look for the good in my life and meditate on that. I am sober, I am clean, in the eyes of some people that makes me a superhero of sorts. Obviously, I am not since superheroes do not die.
I decided to tell others my story of hope. Some say I should be bitter and angry because I am dying young (I’m 65). To them I say to examine their own life and motivations.
Carrying hate toward someone? Let it go. After all, mortality is the one thing that truly binds all humans together so your hate will go unanswered.
The intent of writing this piece is to help others who are facing life without their substance of choice. To you I am your cheerleader and I believe in you. Even though I do not know you I can say truthfully that you are loved.
Someday I’ll be gone leaving my addiction and depression behind. My hope is that people will remember any good I have done in this world and can concentrate on how I have ventured to help people, rather than judging me.
Writing about dissociative identity disorder has been a passion of mine. I haven’t become a best-selling writer even though I’ve authored several books about DID. That is my only regret because I’d like to reach all who are struggling with dissociative identity disorder and complex post-traumatic disorder and to leave something for my family.
Other than that, I am content to face life head-on and record how I feel on my journey.
You take it easy and remember, there is at least one person you know who has reached final fusion so it can be done. Yes, you might choose cooperation, co-consciousness, and co-awareness as your goal and that is just fine. I’m wishing you well on your journey.
I am not dead yet and I will continue to author articles for you when I am able.
Shirley
Thank you for sharing your story, Shirley.We’ve missed you and your articles. And, I agree, hate is too heavy to carry. Let it go!
I wish you continued peace.
Thanks for being so honest and open about your struggles and your successes, and for all the information you share in your posts. We are sad that you are facing so many hard health issues. It sounds like you are mostly at peace with where you are at in life now, even though things are still hard. It’s nice when one can come to a place of being at peace inwardly. Please know that we are grateful for you and all that you have taught us through your blog. We don’t always respond to all your posts, but we do read them, and have gone back to read a lot of the older posts from past years too. We’ve learned a lot from you, especially that there is real hope for healing and recovery from the multiple traumatic experiences of our past and from DID, whatever that recovery may end up looking like for us. So far, it has been a lot of what we call “joining together” (what therapists call “integration), of parts of us (mostly the younger children) who feel they have resolved enough of their trauma and who decide that they don’t want to be separate any more but want to be part of “the strong grown up adult”. We always leave the choice of “joining together” up to each of our parts, along with the option of being able to separate again if they decide that they need or want to for some reason. Over 20+ years of therapy (off &on, when we could find a good trauma informed therapist) we have joined together (fused/integrated) from over 150 parts of us to now we are 10 still separate ones, ages 5 – 57. Life is less chaotic, more manageable, more peaceful, calmer, at least much of the time. We still have difficult days and nights, sometimes weeks and the whole month of October (memories of horrible traumas related to SRA in childhood that were especially bad during the month of October every year culminating in the worst things happening on all hallows eve). We are still working on healing from those traumas.
We haven’t had the struggle with addiction, but do understand facing serious physical health problems, because we have had many this year. We are still waiting for pathology reports for some biopsies taken from our stomach and large intestine about 10 days ago, and hoping they are benign, but concerned because grandfathers on both sides of our family and our younger brother have all had colon cancer. The surgeon said we should have the pathology results in 7-10 days, so maybe today or tomorrow….
Shirley, we will be praying for you to continue to have peace, and hope that you have a good support system there around you now. Please be kind and patient and gentle with yourself. Know that you are loved and appreciated ❤️
Rebecca
Shirley, you have been so much help to understanding DID. It has been a journey, and am so greatful for your posts. I do miss you on youtube, but will look forward to your emails. Although we may never meet in person, I will carry you in our hearts & prayers. may you experience many blessings.
I am beyond honored that I have met you. Like you, I stopped all meds as well. Except those that are needed like blood pressure and dicyclomine for my severe Ibs issues. I did it cold turkey, too. It was difficult. Don’t be so hard on self as your work showed me at age 43 that I can try to heal naturally, not just with the DID, but also with my health! Like you, I am fighting the system to stay off meds that can harm my liver or kidneys. I will continue to promote ur work, Shirley. Reading this made me cry some, but also know life gives and it takes. For this time, I am beyond grateful and so lucky to have met u. Love, Eva
You are Absolutely WELCOME, Shirley!!!
Thank you, Thank YOU, THANK YOU, Shirley, for writing this article!!! I’ve been sober since March 16, 1980 and was diagnosed with what was then (1990) called MPD and my late wife, Janice, said that it all made sense. Lari
Aw, thanks Lari