I Haven’t Forgotten You

Life has a funny way of biting us the butt sometimes. I mean, I had a nasty bout of seasonal affectiveness disorder that held me down for over a month. SAD affects millions of people living in the northern climate regions like I do. It brings on depression (duh), anxiety, and a sense of dread that disrupts my life every fall.

This year was the worst bout of SAD I have ever experienced.

However, I began taking a slightly higher dose of medication (okayed by my psychiatrist) and a few days ago began to finally feel better.

But then something strange began to happen. I began to experience vertigo.

Vertigo isn’t just dizziness, it is dizziness taken to the extreme. When I change positions from sitting to lying down I experience the sense that the room is spinning about me violently.

Now, this vertigo didn’t concern me much at first. Everyone, especially someone in a wheelchair like myself, experiences some vertigo now and then. However, my vertigo has gotten gradually worse.

I decided yesterday to see a doctor at our local walk-in clinic and the doctor there told me I may have an inner ear problem directly related to my allergies. She said she didn’t see any signs of infection in my ears, and sent me home with reassurance plus some over the counter remedies.

This morning the vertigo was worse instead of better.

I took stock of the symptoms I’ve been experiencing lately and noticed they seemed to be together.

I have had headaches, fatigue,  loss of appetite and have been having memory problems beyond what I have always experienced from the DID.

Now normally I’m not easily freaked out, but I had triple negative breast cancer in February 2014.

When input my symptoms into my computer metastisized breast cancer was the very first thing to pop up.

It may be absolutely nothing even remotely that scary that is wrong, but just the possibility of the return of the big C makes me cringe.

I guess life is funny that way. Sometimes you are riding high and experiencing highs and then you get knocked off your feet.

I remember in 2014 I experienced the greatest crisis I have had to face since I was a young and abused child. I felt betrayed by my own body and angry. It didn’t seem fair that I was facing breast cancer after surviving all the crap in my childhood plus the treatment I’ve received as an adult.

But then again, I remember myself saying, and it is true, life is neither fair nor easy.

I’ll be seeing a doctor on Friday and I’ll fill you in on what he orders. With any luck my alarm is unfounded. We’ll see.

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