I’m Going To Let My Guard Down


I rarely ever post online about what is going on in my private life. However, I’m making an exception today. I saw a video earlier of a woman who stated she was going to make a video series about living with Dissociative identity Disorder that wasn’t going to be educational, nor sensational. She wanted to be real and show folks what life with this disorder is like in the daily routine of life. That’s what I have decided to do as well.

So, here I am posting in a very public place about how I am doing today and what I have accomplished in the last several hours since I got out of bed.

To be frank, I haven’t done jack.

I’m exhausted from not sleeping several nights in a row and from the long road trips I had to endure last week. Don’t get me wrong, the trips were worth it. I took part in the filming of a pilot for a possible new reality series about dissociative identity disorder. There were makeup artists, lights, cameras, and directors. I wouldn’t have missed the experience for the world, but my body and mind do not take that kind of stress very well, and it has worn down my defenses.

I am also suffering (and I do mean suffering) from seasonal affective disorder (SAD), a form of depression that comes in the autumn when the days grow shorter and there is less sunlight. I was already dragging from this disorder when I decided to be part of the DID project, and it, more than anything, is why I feel so badly today.

Add all of that up when you have a severe dissociative disorder, and you’ve got a recipe for a dissociative episode.

Today, I feel detached from life and like I’m dreaming. I don’t care to do any of my usual activities. I haven’t written, listened to music, used the telephone, done any homework (I’m in college), or any of my other normal things today. I feel lonely, isolated, and fearful.

This is how a person living with a severe dissociative disorder can feel after too much stress and not enough sleep.


Why am I writing this? What do I need?

I don’t need sympathy, that’s not why i’m writing this.

I don’t need people to feel sorry for me or to pat me on the hand and tell me they understand.

What I need is time, sleep, quiet, and to regroup.

Yes, being alone and quiet means isolating, and you’d think that would mean more  loneliness, but I’m already very alone when among people, unless they too have hundreds of alter egos in their mind. Only multiples understand multiples, and that’s sad. It’s a shame that people don’t at least try to understand us. That’s why I’m involved with the afore -mentioned project, to raise awareness and to end the horrendous feelings of not belonging, and having to hide my disability from the world when among people who do not understand.

Keep me in your thoughts today. I’ll bob back to the surface soon, but today I feel defeated and unwanted.

Can anyone out there in Internet-land relate?

“Language has invented the word loneliness to express the pain of being alone, and it has invented the word solitude to express the glory of being alone.”

Paul Tullich

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