This morning I’m going to write about my anxiety. I haven’t felt this horrible since the early 1990s when I was first in treatment for dissociative identity disorder.
I constantly feel like I’m going to jump out of my skin and like something horrible is going to happen any minute. These feelings are compounded by living with my brother and his family.
You see, my brother also has been drastically impacted by our childhood. He has an extreme anxiety disorder, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, borderline personality disorder, and just received the diagnosis of narcissism.
On top of all that, his wife has the diagnosis of major depression and anti-social disorder and they have a three-year-old son with one on the way.
When my brother’s anxiety is triggered, which happens a lot, he explodes with anger yelling and speaking horrible to his wife. He isn’t violent as in beatings, but he is vicious with his mouth.
He’s like living with a bull in a China shop.
His wife is so depressed she does nothing all day plus her anti-social disorder means she will never, ever accept advice, steals from her own family, and lies all the time.
My poor three-year-old nephew? Well, he does the best he can.
I know, you might be thinking I should leave this household, tuck my tail in between my legs and run away.
But you know what? The anxiety I’m living, no suffering with, will not go away just because I get out of this crazy home. I will take myself with me wherever I go. I know for a fact that when I lived alone I had this anxiety and it was even worse.
So, no, running away isn’t the solution.
My psychiatrist just started me on 5 mg of Buspar three times a day. That may seem like an extremely low dose, but not for my body. I tend to react backward to meds and it is eternally better if I take tiny doses of anything I have ordered for me. The more the dosage the less likely I am to respond to it.
I know, weird.
I know you all out there in Internet land can’t help me. I know you’ll read this and shake your heads because I have always appeared so strong and full of self-knowledge.
However, I still have my strength and self-knowledge, that’s why I am still alive this morning.
I won’t lie to you, I have had thoughts these past few weeks of self-destructing but dying by suicide also is not the answer.
I refuse to become a statistic.
I’m going to write out the self-affirmations here that I need to see and perhaps someone out there needs to read this morning too.
I am resilient.
I have already survived 100% of my worst days.
I am intelligent.
I am a loving and helpful person
I have come too far to turn back now.
When I look back, I am amazed at how far I have come.
Life is full of bumps and things to trip over, but even though I’m bruised I am not broken.
I’m a survivor, that’s what I do.
I have so much to offer the world.
I am a loving person.
The world would be a much colder place without me.
The world needs me.
I am not only worthwhile, I am important too.
There, that feels better. Sometimes it is vital to remember that I have many pages of my book that have not been written yet. They wait for me to fill the pages with courage, strength, and words of hope.
Well, I’ve bared my soul this morning. I hope this piece helps someone out there.