Grief Is Not Straightforward for Those Who Have DID
Many who live with dissociative identity disorder understand grief. We were raised in its arms of it. Do we try to escape? This article will cover grief, what causes our grief, and how to help yourself to break free.
Average Grief
Usually when we think of grief we of it as a process that occurs after a loss of some sort such as a death or a fire. We lose our sense of normalcy, we feel uneasy and sad.
To the one who is grieving it feels like either life is over or that life will never be the same again.
DID and Grief
Dissociative identity disorder is known to be caused by severe and repeated childhood trauma (abuse). The trauma often starts in early childhood and sometimes persists into early adulthood.
People with DID, like me, when we were children we were trapped in circumstances that would break most adults. It wasn’t just the abuse that did the damage, rather it was not being loved and not understanding why that hurt the most.
The pain of children who grew up in an abusive and very neglectful home is palpable. All we wanted was someone to love that wouldn’t harm us.
Grieving What Should Have Been
When I was young, I used to daydream of what my life would be like once I found the perfect partner. I dreamed of living in a big house in the country with my ten kids and many pets.
Mystical thinking is common in all children but can be painful for those of us who have DID. We daydream, wish and hope that someday we will be grown and no longer victims.
However, when I grew up my life was much different than I had hoped. I got married and had my home in the country but discovered I could not have kids. Also, my past haunted me in body memories, flashbacks, and fear.
The Five Stages of Grief and DID
The five stages of grief are real and pertain to us too but in a different fashion. On top of facing steps to heal that we must go through we also experience the torment of the five stages of grief which are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
No one experiences the aforementioned five stages of grief in order and each person has a unique way of expressing how they feel.
We who have survived the hell that was home have much to grieve. Not only did we lose our dreams for the future but we also lost out on childhood fun and growing up happy.
We may feel angry at our perpetrators and spend a lot of time either cursing god or praying to him for help. We don’t feel whole or complete, we feel like something is missing.
The Three Steps to Freedom
Upon entering therapy we discover we were right about what was wrong or found out for the first time we had dissociative identity disorder. As if our lives weren’t chaotic enough, we now recognize the antics of the alters and actually feel the grief that has plagued us but were encapsulated in childhood into a different self.
The three steps to freedom are to gain safety and stability, to process and integrate our traumatic memories, and identity integration with rehabilitation to help us reenter the world.
Safety and Stabilization. An important step, gaining safety and stability is vital to overcoming the traumatic memories and thoughts we will face soon. The reason for this step is that it is dangerous with suicidal thoughts and actions.
Trauma Processing. This stage involves a lot of hard work and grief. In it, we work through the memories we have of our past and integrate traumatic memories into our awakening self.
Identity Integration and Rehabilitation. In this step we have found some peace because all our insiders are cooperating with each other and are aware of each other. The chaos of finding things that did not belong to you is finally over. Some people say that coconsciousness and co-awareness is enough and others insist they want to integrate into one person again.
Warning Signs That You May Be Stuck in Your Grief
Sometimes people get stuck in their misery. After all, it has become their safety zone where everything stays the same. This is known as prolonged grief disorder, a mental health problem characterized by intense and persistent grief that significantly causes problems in daily functioning.
Commonly, anger is the main sign that you are not moving forward but there are other signs as well:
- Anxiety
- Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
- Depression
- Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
- Sleep disturbances
- Long-term problems with daily living and holding relationships
- Alcohol, cigarettes, or substance abuse
I have seen people who are stuck feeling angry and hating the people who harmed them. I’m not saying the perps deserve our love and devotion but holding hate towards them only harms us not them.
Ending Our Time Together
It is vital that we break free from the grip of anger and allow ourselves to move on with life. Yes, what happened so many years ago was horrendous, but living stuck there will only bring us misery.
I was once in a psyche ward for not only being suicidal but homicidal as well. I had been lost in my anger and grief so much that I wanted to kill someone and then take my own life.
Thankfully, I was able, with the help of a wonderful therapist, to let the anger win. Now I live a peaceful life having become coconscious and co-aware with the others and am experiencing fusion.
Grief is a powerful emotion that is very complicated and difficult to live with. It makes us feel lonely, a familiar emotion for those who have DID. We need to experience it but we sure as hell don’t want to live there for good.
I hope you gain control over your grief and all that goes with it soon. I’m rooting for you!
“Only time and tears take away grief; that is what they are for.”
Terry Pratchett
“The weird, weird thing about devastating loss is that life actually goes on. When you’re faced with a tragedy, a loss so huge that you have no idea how you can live through it, somehow, the world keeps turning, the seconds keep ticking.”
James Patterson