Beginning an Inner Dialogue with Alters
Living with dissociative identity disorder (DID), especially shortly after being diagnosed, can seem a living hell. The emotions, feelings, and memories all seem to belong to someone else because of a lack of communication among the alters.
Because of the chaos, beginning inner a dialogue with your alters may seem a very daunting task. At first, your alters may present themselves as resentful, angry, or mean. It is only through speaking to and forming a relationship with them do you stand a chance of ending the chaotic existence you may be experiencing right now.
We are going to explore together different steps and methods of opening the critical conversations that must take place to gain inner peace.
First, Remember Who Your Alters Are
I am bound to get some push back from some multiples on this next statement, but it needs to be said. The alters in your system (or whatever term you have given them) are all parts of the whole you. They are not separate people, nor are they invaders. They are all you.
I say that to begin this article because remembering the previous statement is true is key to overcoming the chaos of DID. You are not magical. They are you, and you are them.
When you speak of an alter as being angry and resentful, what you are honestly saying is that you are feeling bitter and resentful.
Understanding that the parts inside your psyche are not strangers who have invaded you makes it a little bit easier to open a dialogue with them. These parts of your psyche are children, teens, young adults, and even animals that need and deserve respect, dignity, and love.
The kicker is, only you can give that to them (you).
Forming a Safe Place
To get to know the parts of yourself who are all stuck in trauma-time better, it may be necessary to form a safe place in your mind. It can be a warm, sandy beach, a sunny flower-strewn meadow, or the top of a mountain. Whatever works for you and your system is what you need to choose.
There are several reasons for forming this safe place:
- It helps all your parts feel safe
- It allows a place to go when you feel overwhelmed
- It allows a place where you can hold conversations with each other
To offer an example, I will tell you about my safe place. It is a warm and sandy beach where there is a beach fire that will not burn anyone, and the ocean is gently waving on shore, but you cannot drown. There around the beach fire, I have had many conversations with my system and first met them. My safe place has been hugely instrumental in my healing.
Beginning a Discussion with Your Alters
It is vital to understand that words are mighty things. Words can build up and tear down. Words can affirm or destroy. Words are a potent force for good or for evil. Understanding these facts will help you to know what you should and should not say to your alters, who are all you.
To begin a discussion with inner parts, first, make sure you are safe. This type of dialogue may require you to be in the presence of a mental health professional, at least at first, until you feel more connected and grounded.
Remember this too. If an alter is a child, they should be treated as children. Do not talk about huge grown-up topics; instead, meet them where they are and allow yourself to feel their emotions. Always keep in mind that alters have the right to refuse to meet you in your safe place. But, even if they refuse, eventually they will come if you give them a reason to want to.
Things to Say in Your First Conversation
Once grounded, opening your talk with some simple questions asked inside your safe place of your alters. Questions can be as simple as “What’s your name?” or “How old are you?” Do not expect an answer right at first because you have most likely been afraid of your alters before this day; they may also be fearful of you.
Some other useful hints for starting an inner dialogue with alters are as follows:
Welcome Them. Make the first move and take an interest in the alter you are speaking with. Allow them to acclimate being with you and set them at ease as much as you can. You can also tell them how excited you are to be meeting your alters and show our enthusiasm and excitement.
Set Boundaries and Rules. One of the best things about starting an inner dialogue is that rules and boundaries can be set to assure that your life becomes more manageable. Rules such as no one in your system can overwhelm you with flashbacks in your safe place, and boundaries such as no cussing (or whatever you wish) are essential. Children need and love rules, and so do many adults, thus making some for your safe place makes perfect sense.
Use Their Name. Say their name often to establish that you are listening and validating what they are saying. Obviously, this hint only works if you know the alters name.
Offer to Help. Your inner parts are there because something horrid happened to you in childhood. They hold all the memories and secrets of what occurred and are in pain. If you offer your inner parts assistance, such as telling them that you are going to protect them now, they will grow in trust as time goes by.
Listen. By listening more than you speak, you will learn much from your alters. They will let you in on their hopes and dreams, which, of course, are what you wanted when you were their age.
Feel. Feel the emotions from needs that were not met in your childhood. It is okay to weep over what was torn from you in the past.
Enjoy Your Inner Selves
The parts of you that live in your mind are loveable and enjoyable if you give them half a chance. They are all delightful parts of you stuck in trauma-time that need to be loved and cared for so you can heal.
Even the members of your system who have caused you problems in the past or who act hostile are only acting out because they have unmet needs.
Self-parenting means giving to your inner selves the dignity, respect, and love that they deserve, and in the process, you will provide these vital human needs to yourself. It may be frightening at first, but with practice, you will find that you look forward to going to your safe place to meet the beautiful pieces that make up you.
“I am my own biggest critic. Before anyone else has criticized me, I have already criticized myself. But for the rest of my life, I am going to be with me, and I don’t want to spend my life with someone who is always critical. So, I am going to stop being my own critic. It’s high time that I accept all the great things about me.”
~ C. JoyBell C.
“Dare to love yourself
as if you were a rainbow
with gold at both ends.”
~ Author-Poet Aberjhani,
my wife passed and I `was lonely so I became attached to a lady half my age.
she was a single mother , had a 16 year old daughter. she had 6 alters. and was narcissistic.
she lied , stole, cheated, had no ethics or morals. But I tried to help her so I studies everthing I could get my hands on . And I learned, a lot.
It turns out that everybody has at least two minds. One that you are using now to read these words and what is called the sub conscious mind. It is the primary mind tho, it never sleeps. it constantlly
I’m so sorry you are with someone like her. There are bad apples in every walk of life. People with DID usually are passive. I hope you have better luck in future relationships. Shirley
I did not mean to end like that. My computer hiccuped. and I could not start over.
During my studies I learned that memories can be modified and even erased. One of the authors I read claimed that she used hypnosis to delete a horrible memory from a patients mind. the author told the patient that in effect, the episode never happened. The alter said , Well, if it never happened there is no reason for me to stay here. And the alter disappeared .
The daughter of the first lady was 16 when she came to live with us. She was a brilliant person but the trauma she experienced caused her mind to say ENOUGH and she had not developed past the the age of 11. It developed a close relationship with here and I taught her how to visualize the beach sene in her mind . Then I taught her how to imagine a door , standing in the sand, without walls, just a door. She was to op0en the door and find a room that she and she alone could enter. Inside there was a large computer screen. She was to put disk in the computer and play a memory episode from her past . And as it came up on the screen she was to take her hand and rub the colors of the display around and and mix them up so there was no meaning to what was shown. She was then to hit save on the computer and leave the room.
She did this in the privacy of her room. By the time she was 18 she was a normal young woman with several boy friends. She still calls me DAD!
Her mother split and went with an old boyfriend that had just gotten out of jail. She was arrested for possession with intent to sell.
I am now in a long distance relationship with 40 year old lady that was orphaned at 14 . She has no social skills, cant hold a job, has only had 3 male friends but never married. she was diagnosed as bipolar but I explained the difference and that she had DID after she sold me that she frequently woke up in a situation she did not know how she got there. I have had text conversations with one of her alters. She is a very young girl that has no real world experience. I ash what her name was and she didnt hqve one, so I called her Martha. She wanted to know what Martha was. She also ask me what gas was when the car she was driving stopped running. I ask her why she had taken over and where ws she going. She told me she could not tolerate the pain the host was experiencing and she was going to meet her mother. I told her there were no roads to heaven but I would help her with her problems. she and I text every once in awhile.
I don’t know if I have did but I can’t really remember everything in the past twenty years of life, my name is Ian, I am I think 34 now by what my voices tell me…it’s hard to speak of this since I have no recollection of my past since fourteen. It felt like a dream to me, I was happy, and now Alice says that I am I think she said “safe” idk what any of this means to me. There others too Paul, George, Stuart, and Rose I’m not familiar with did, but I want to know am I going to be okay? It’s very scary to me right now, idk what to do, I hear them now as I type telling me to be honest and open to seek answers, idk what to do anymore I’m covered in tattoos that I don’t remember getting, it feels like 2004 to me but it’s not…it’s 2025, so much of my life, it doesn’t feel like me. Last thing I remember was getting into a fight with family members and siblings. I’m so scared right now, I’m crying. If this keeps up I might go back into my dream and I want to be out of that state things have changed for me drastically, the birth of a son, divorce, criminal charges, scars appearing out of seemingly nowhere…..
Hi this is Alice we had to put him back because he was freaking out too much during typing. What he wants to know is, is he going to be okay? I personally think it was too soon for him to be out, but we really didn’t want him to be lost.
This is Stuart I’m the funny one I think she means was it right for us to let him out?
No stupid of course it wasn’t right…
Shut up Paul, I’m George I’m the smart one we have lots of questions to ask that the net can’t answer if you respond we will ask them.
Uhhh is it normal for Ian to feel that way after years of us in control? Oh I’m Rose btw nice to meet you all. Hehe.
You will all be okay if you work together with a qualified therapist preferably a trauma-informed therapist. It is okay for him to let you all out, but is the chaos and making him afraid worth it? Begin to think of yourselves as one family unit who is working hard to heal the wounds from the past. Does that make sense? Please feel free to reach out anytime if you have more questions, I’ll answer what I can. sdavis8966@hotmail.com
Kathy, Bi polar is mode swings. Calm and pleasant one minute and a raging screaming idiot the next. DID is waking up and wondering how you got there. Missing segment of your life. conversations you find yourself in the middle of
Its been awhile since I was here. I had did a long long time ago . Say 1960’st . The books hadn’t been written then. I used to curl up in my bed at night and try to put my mind in an utter dark place that was soft and arm. Just me. I practiced thinking of not thinking. I know that sounds weird but is just not thinking. Alters are like all people, they hate a sound vacuum. If you shut up, they will fill the void. You may not like what they say the first few times. Just listen, let them vent. Its been said that if you want to have friend then you have to be a friend first. That applies here.
oldman@mindspring.com
hello Shirley, I’m pretty certain my partner of a year and a half has DID , he’s recently been diagnosed as BPD and he’s really struggling, he’s got alters and I’ve met a few of them ( angry one, child one ,scared one and a very jokey fun one) I don’t know how I can help him, he’s trying to suppress them and I feel it’s making him feel worse , what is the best way I can approach this? I just want him to feel peace, it’s heartbreaking to see him struggling
All you can do is support him. He must get the correct diagnosis and seek help. I’m sorry there is nothing more you can do. Just be there that’s what he needs from you. Shirley
Thank you so much, Shirley. Anything helps.
I am sure I have DID. I can hear them in my head some times. How can I be for certain? I used to think they were demons. The yelling in my head when I would talk to someone or listen to a preacher was crazy. I believe one is mean and destructive, and one is a little boy. How do I talk to them and know?
You need a safe place in your mind like a meadow or a beach. There you can begin a dialogue with them. At first they will not trust you but after a while they will begin talking with you. Don’t panic. It is normal to be a bit afraid of alters but remember they are parts of you NOT independent individuals who are speaking in your mind. They are you and you are them. I hope this helps. Shirley
I forgot, I also have TBI and Cognitive deficits , terrible memory, lots of blackouts when scared, sometime break things during a blackout.
I’m so sorry. Seek help and don’t be afraid to reach out to me anytime. Shirley
I’ve been diagnosed by one Dr with, DID, by another Dr with Bipolar, how do I know who diagnosed me right? I do have symptoms of different moods, lost a lot of time, things are missing, things are moved, unknown calls on my phone, amnesia, etc. was molested as a child. One of these mood is blacking me out and destroying my life with family.
It is not at all unusual for someone to have more than one diagnosis at the same time. However, DID is often misdiagnosed as BPD and schizo-affective disorder. Don’t panic. Look around for a therapist who is trauma-informed and if you can’t find one in your area, consider telehealth. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I hope I have helped a little, Shirley
may we ask,
and I understand all systems are not the same,
but do you study DID, or do you have DID?
I have DID and study it. Shirley
I have noticed symptoms of DID so I wanted to understand and try to communicate with them and i guess we will se what happens.
I have never made contact with my alters. As far as I know, my childhood has been cooked up with selective amnesia which has had an effect on my maturity, it keeps me ignorant of certain things. Sometimes it kept me from studying altogether because I don’t remember what I do when I get home from school and when I’m at school it’s like how did I get there. I tried being different when I got to high school but then I started seeing illusions, developing ADHD and other disarmament that seemed to be caused by outsiders or maybe my alters, I don’t know. I don’t know how to contact them. I tried taking the time to be alone and figure out my life but my alter wiped my thoughts and forced me to befriend someone I didn’t want to befriend. That person has an superiority complex around me because I’m an introvert and he’s not. And one day, one of such friends I was forced to befriend completely abandoned me, people don’t even think of me as his friend, I’m a lackey, this person supposedly abandoned me because he needed time to think his life through, how ironic. The few times I hear people talking to me, they’re always mean, distant and unfamiliar and since they’re inside my head literally, they have power to keep from thinking straight and saying certain things to them.
I am so sorry you are having such a tough time. It sounds like you need to work on your self-esteem a bit. Do you have a therapist? You cannot work on DID issues alone because they are so complex. To reach your alters you need to see them as parts of yourself and begin to parent them. I know that may sound odd, but parenting yourself is a critical part of healing from DID and gaining a peaceful life. It will take time and a lot of effort, but you can heal from DID. If your therapist isn’t working for you, you can change therapists. Okay? Thank you for your comment, and I hope you get the help you need soon and feel better.
I have never made contact with my alters. As far as I know, my childhood has been cooked up with selective amnesia which has had an effect on my maturity, it keeps me ignorant of certain things. Sometimes it kept me from studying altogether because I don’t remember what I do when I get home from school and when I’m at school it’s like how did I get there. I tried being different when I got to high school but then I started seeing illusions, developing ADHD and other disarmament that seemed to be caused by outsiders or maybe my alters, I don’t know. I don’t know how to contact them. I tried taking the time to be alone and figure out my life but my alter wiped my thoughts and forced me to befriend someone I didn’t want to befriend. That person has an superiority complex around me because I’m an introvert and he’s not. And one day, one of such friends I was forced to befriend completely abandoned me, people don’t even think of me as his friend, I’m a lackey, this person supposedly abandoned me because he needed time to think his life through, how ironic.
I’ve been recently diagnosed with DID after being misdiagnosed with derealization disorder for many years. My alters didn’t want to be found from what I can grasp and I’m really struggling to make any kind of contact with them myself. At least three of them feel comfortable speaking to my best friend (a psych major hilariously enough), but I can’t speak with them. Do you have any recommendations?
I have also been recently diagnosed (aged 36) and still in the process of getting to know all my alters. I am trying to learn as much as I can to aid me in coming to terms with myself and self-help with how to handle all of this so that I can gain more stability within myself.
I wanted to ask if you know of any online groups or forums which meet to discuss their personal experiences and knowledge of DID?
I have done some searching but so far unsuccessful in finding one so just wanted to ask as I feel it would be really beneficial to be able to share with other people who have a similar understanding of what I experience.
I belong to Ivory Garden DID support group http://www.igdid.org I have received tons of support among the pages and threads there. There is a small fee with joining to keep the trolls out. Try us out and tell them Morgan sent you. Shirley
Thanks so much for writing this. There’s very little in the way of treatment access and this is THE most helpful thing on the internet I’ve seen so far. Newly diagnosed this summer and still trying to come to terms and understand what is happening and how to approach. So grateful for this.
Thank you for your comment. It makes me feel good that I have helped someone. Shirley
Comment I forgot Simon. He does not come out much. My fiance has only met him a couple of times.
Yes, thank you for this. I recently have been diagnosed with D.I.D., My alters have been hiding for many years. Like, since I was a child. There is me then there is Aaron Derrick Alexa Adam and Simon. Adam and Aaron are the persecutors or protectors. Then Derrick is like me before my TBI. Then there is Alexa. Yes, she is a female.
Nice to meet you all. Shirley
Thanks for the info! I’m Jennifer I just emailed you a question. Thanks again
This was so helpful! Thank you so much! I totally freaked when I found a sticky note from one of my (our?) alters, William, for the first time a few days ago. I know my parents would deny it if I told them about William, but I will definitely try and reach out to William again!
Good job. Shirley
It’s a long story and I’d love to communicate with you. I’m 66, retired & I keep saying “the wheels are off the bus.” What that means is the work I have done for nearly 4 decades to keep all of this a secret, is over. They are “out.” I have two therapists who are trauma-informed and both work with DID. I guess the time is now. When the teacher is ready, the wheels fall off the bus? The letters D.I.D scare me and they are USING THEM! One T says she has suspected for a long time, the other “not surprised.” I am living with such anxiety. I don’t know what to do right now. Life is falling apart. Youtube is scary for DID. ugh. Seeking a sane DID person to talk to.
I remember well what it’s like to be diagnosed with DID. You can email if you’d like.
sdavis8966@hotmail.com
Tomorrow I won’t be available as I’m having a test done but I’ll answer you as quickly as I can. Shirley
Hello! This is so interesting and I can feel the sense in it. I’ve lived with my parts since age 3, I’m now 59 and have only really become aware of so much and them over the last 5 years. I have parts and I’m at the beginning of working with them. Do you know of a ‘Dummies book for working with parts/alters” I can’t afford therapy at this time but learned a fair bit but need to put it into a regular part of my daily life.
The biggest worry for me is how am I supposed to help my parts feel safe when ‘I’ don’t and am not sure who the main part is there at any time? I keep googling but becoming overwhelmed and a bit frightened and wonder if I can do this?
Any help/advice would be so helpful right now. I am not in any harm or threat anymore since 2017, I know this but they don’t and don’t believe me and are angry at me for not dealing with adult traumas as I should have. My childhood sexual abuse I know for the most part wasn’t my fault, how could it be at age 3 – 7?
Warm wishes
Sally
I’m not certain if there are any books out there that deal specifically with handling alters but there may be. There is one thing you must understand too, the abuse you went through as a child was absolutely, positively, in no way your fault. You were a child. Even if your body responded it was still not your fault. Please feel free to email me if you have questions. I’ll do the best I can to answer them. sdavis8966@hotmail.com Shirley
I know this is an old post and comments but I’ve been doing a lot of digging into DID what little resreach or understanding there is to as many different systems’ personal experiences as I can find. Now just seeming to go crazy with how my gaps In childhood line up with the weird the conversations in my mind.(best way I could put it I guess.)But I really hope you’ve found some answers on your path, Sally. ☺
CommentPowerful. Thank You. I have a cave overlooking a beach where we go . I can be angry there. I also walk in the woods every day and we have a chat. Daisy my little one is healed and teaches me how to have fun and laugh. Blessings for your courage.
That sounds wonderful! Thank you for your comment. Shirley
In addition to creating a safe place where I can go when I want to go to sleep I think of the problems I have as rocks that I have to carry around with me during the day. Before I enter my safe place I take all my rocks and put them in a pile next to the entrance . I do not take them inside, ever. When I am inside I practice progressive relaxation and let the mental and physical tensions melt and flow away down a drain.
Thank you for your comment. Wow, that is a fantastic idea! I’ll start practicing putting my problems in a pile next to the entrance to my beach. Shirley
To be honest I’m scared I’ve seen horror movies about this so I’m afraid to meet them I was just on diagnose and I have only me my gatekeeper is it ok to meet the others
Your alters are you not fictional characters from a horror movie. It is okay to meet them. Hopefully you have a therapist to help you.
Ok thank you
That sounds fantastic! Thank you for the information 🙂