Grief, Mourning, and Dissociative Identity Disorder

Posted On April 11, 2023

Those who have formed dissociative identity disorder (DID) due to severe and repeated child abuse know the pain of grief and mourning. We grieve over what could have been and mourn over what we lost.

 

This article will concentrate on grief and mourning for those with DID.

 

What are Grief and Mourning?

 

 

According to Wikipedia, “Grief is the response to loss, particularly the loss of someone or some living thing that has died, to which a bond or affection was formed. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, grief also has physical, cognitive, behavioral, social, cultural, spiritual, and philosophical dimensions.”

 

Although the definition above focuses on the loss of a person or some living thing, grief also expresses the loss of dreams, aspirations, and other heartfelt things. People with dissociative identity disorder have much to grieve.

 

• You may grieve the loss of having a career or a family.
• You may grieve the lack of the education you wanted.
• You may grieve the loss of caring and loving you needed from your family of origin.

 

There are innumerable things for which you may mourn in connection to the causes and having dissociative identity disorder.

 

Mourning is the expression of what you experience of an event that changes your life, causing grief. When you mourn, you are expressing your grief because the intense trauma you experienced as a child has had enormous consequences on your present.

 

What Does Grief Feel Like?

 

 

Some of you with DID may feel numb to your grief, so this piece will attempt to explain what it feels like.

 

When you think of grief, you often think of people weeping and feeling sadness or despair. However, these are not all a person feels when they are grieving. There are physical symptoms as well.

 

Because the mind and body are partners, it is not strange for a grieving person to experience physical symptoms since stress hormones are released when you grieve, significantly impacting your body.

 

Below are some of the common physical symptoms of grief.

 

Physical Pain and Brain Fog. You may experience physical pain such as headaches, muscle aches, and feeling ill. You might have problems completing everyday tasks such as eating, cleaning, and eating, and sometimes doing your work at your job.

 

Many state they have problems with memory and concentration caused by the brain being overloaded because it is processing sadness, loneliness, and loss. People feel they are in a mental fog and might forget to do small tasks that suddenly feel undoable.

 

Sensory Problem. Some people experience sensory issues such as becoming easily startled at loud noises or feeling the opposite, numb. Yet others find they experience sensitivity to light and sound or report having no sense of taste.

 

Digestive Issues. People often report having digestive issues such as being nauseated or having diarrhea. You can feel queasy or like something is missing in your gut that makes you eat. Appetite disturbances are also common.

 

It is not uncommon for you to change your eating habits due mainly to either lack or abundance of food relating to your loss. Since you were a child experiencing extreme abuse, you might turn to food for comfort and experience the consequences of overeating.

 

 Sleep Problems. Grief is an intense emotional experience causing, as has been stated, physical pain. This pain, added to the emotional disturbance of loss, combine to make it nearly impossible to sleep unaided. Because of this lack of sleep, you may feel fatigued, making the grieving process even harder.

 

To say it plainly, grief is a horrible experience, and we who have survived severe childhood trauma experience it often and for long periods.

 

Signs of Unresolved Grief

 

 

You can get stuck in grief, causing you not to be capable of moving on. Known as unresolved grief, it has a listing in the DSM and is called prolonged grief disorder, becoming recognized by the American Psychiatric Association in 2021.

 

There are paths that people use to move through grief, with the order and timing of these paths differing from person to person. While typically, four are listed, three of these paths directly impact those with DID.

 

These paths include:

 

• Accepting the reality of what you have lost.
• Allowing yourself to feel the pain of your loss.
• Adjusting to the new reality of your life.

 

The fourth path you may or may not choose is to form new relationships, which is essential but a subject for another blog post.

 

Some signs and symptoms of unresolved grief may include any of the following.

 

• Intense sorrow
• Pain
• Rumination of your loss
• Problems focusing on anything but your DID issues and losses
• Excessive avoidance of reminders of what happened to you as a child
• Focusing hard on the things that happened to you as a child
• Numbness or detachment
• Bitterness
• Not trusting others
• Inability to enjoy life
• Isolating from others
• Having problems doing a routine
• Experiencing depression
• Experiencing deep sadness
• Feeling guilt or shame
• Thinking you should have done something to prevent the abuse
• Feel your life isn’t worth living
• Wishing you were dead
• Suicidal behaviors and actions

 

If you recognize yourself in these grief symptoms, it is time to seek professional help to help you resolve what happened and feel better.

 

Unresolved grief often has complications such as depression, anxiety, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, increased risk of heart disease and cancer, high blood pressure, and substance abuse.

 

Things You Can Do to Help Yourself Move On

 

 

While professional help will help guide you through the maze of grief and loss, there are several methods you can follow to help yourself cope.

 

First, understand there is no right or wrong way to feel and experience grief. So many people with DID second guess if they are appropriately doing what they need to get done grieving. Everyone is different when it comes to grief, and you will grieve and mourn the way that fits your personality and experiences.

 

Second, you can express your emotions in many ways; journaling is one of the best. Journaling your feelings and emotions is a potent way to get your grief out of your head and out where you can see it and make sense of what has happened to you. However, you can become overwhelmed by this form of grieving, so try to journal only four days a week for twenty minutes.

 

Learning mindfulness and meditation techniques is the third way to deal with grief and mourning. There is no need to commit to long periods to be mindful or meditate; instead, try setting aside a few minutes daily to ground yourself in the now. Mindfulness is the practice of bringing one’s attention to the present moment and experiencing that moment without evaluation. Meditation is a unique technique where you focus on a particular thought, activity, or object and pay attention to your attention and awareness. Meditation helps to achieve mental clarity and emotional calm.

 

A fourth method to overcoming your grief and sorrow is to remember that no matter how badly you feel, the sun still shines. Go out into the sunshine as often as possible and allow the sun’s rays to help you heal. Sunshine helps your body make vitamin D, which is essential for keeping depression at bay and many other bodily functions. If you cannot go out into the sunshine, buy yourself a full-spectrum lamp and sit under it for 30 minutes daily, preferably in the morning. It will substitute for sunshine in the dark winter months.

 

There are innumerable ways to help yourself through the turmoil of the trauma memories and the grief and mourning accompanying them.

 

Ending Our Time Together

 

Healing from dissociative identity disorder is almost harder to bear than the original abuse. As adults, we are forced to face the chaotic turmoil of healing and our adult duties, such as parenting or holding down a job.

 

If I could leave you with some words of wisdom today that may make your struggles a little easier, it would be the following:

 

Your pain and heartache will fade as you accept your diagnosis and your alters begin to walk in the same direction you are going.

 

It will take time, but the tears will cease. Keep that in mind as you work so hard on your healing journey down the road less taken.