Are You a Doormat?

Posted On November 17, 2022

Relationships are complicated. No one would argue with that. Learning about someone else’s quirks, needs, and boundaries is complicated, and sometimes the other person doesn’t reciprocate your interest.

 

This article will explore the doormat in a dysfunctional relationship and how to build healthy boundaries to protect yourself.

 

Just What is a Doormat?

 

 

One definition of a doormat is a person who allows others to walk on them and who continuously attempts, through manipulation, to please someone else. Doormats lose their sense of self and intertwine their lives with someone else, losing their identity.

 

A doormat partner allows themselves to be treated horribly and does not communicate their needs or stand up for themselves. The doormat is expected to agree with everything their partner says or wants them to do and does not have strong boundaries, if they exist at all.

 

All humans love power because it is vital for survival. Our power search begins when we are infants and continues throughout life. We all also look for our niche in relationships where we can fit. There are two types of power; coercion, and persuasion.

 

In coercion, a person is physically or verbally threatened, whereas persuasion requires acceptance of someone else’s life and going along with their authority. This acceptance is fueled by previous social conditioning.

 

Being the doormat is also a place of power because by giving their partners everything they believe they want, they can manipulate them and get their way. They can control their partners’ behaviors by seemingly not being in power.

 

Signs You are a Doormat

 

 

Doormats are commonly thought always to be women, but men can also fall into destructive relationships where they become passive people.

People who fit into the doormat category are often met with verbal or physical abuse. However, this is not always the case. Doormats spend their lives serving the other person, disregarding their own needs and values.

 

Being a doormat in a relationship isn’t something someone would decide to be. Instead, being a doormat is an unconscious decision formed naturally from living in a codependent home while growing up.

 

Doormats seem happy on the outside, but on the inside are seething and dissatisfied without knowing why. They give and receive only crumbs of love and respect and get nothing in return.

 

The other term that goes along with doormat is codependency. Codependency is a behavioral and emotional condition affecting one’s ability to have a healthy and mutually acceptable relationship. This condition is also known as relationship addiction because these folks form one-sided and destructive relationships.

 

Signs you are a doormat include:

 

• You always take a backseat to other’s needs
• You try to avoid conflict by holding anger inside
• You respond, not react
• You don’t know where you begin, and your partner ends
• You constantly are trying to keep the peace at the cost of your own emotions
• You cannot consider your own needs and sacrifice for others
• You give in to unreasonable demands
• You apologize even when you were not in the wrong
• You never take credit for your contributions to the relationship
• You expect others to read your mind and know somehow what you need

 

Above are the major signs of being a doormat, but many more signs describe the misery being a doormat brings. It is easy to see why being a doormat is terrible, but there are ways to overcome it.

 

From Doormat to Living

 

 

 

While it is hard to figure out how not to be a doormat, it is harder to understand doing so without appearing hostile to those who do not deserve it. However, there are ways to build healthy boundaries to allow yourself to grow in autonomy.

Increase your self-worth. Respecting yourself will cause others to respect you. Becoming assertive about what you will and not allow in your treatment starts small and grows exponentially. As you grow, your self-worth will increase.

 

Learn what a healthy relationship looks like. Become aware of relationships that seem to be working, however imperfect they are. Notice how each partner owns their own emotions and feelings while being courteous to the other person. It is easier to build boundaries when you can tell the difference between a good and bad relationship.

 

Build healthy boundaries. Boundaries allow you to decide if something is or is not tolerable in other people’s actions toward you. With firm personal boundaries, there is much less chance that someone will abuse or otherwise use you. Be aware that boundaries can change with your circumstances but stick with your boundaries as much as possible.

 

Learn to say “no.” No is the most diminutive yet most potent word in the English language. Learning to say no without explaining why you feel that way is critical. It is okay to explain but unnecessary, and you don’t need to go into detail.

 

Be straightforward when asking for someone to treat you better. This part sounds scary as it means confronting your partner or anyone else who is crossing your boundaries and mistreating you, telling them you will no longer tolerate it. It is better to directly communicate to them how you feel when you feel like that and what changes you need.

 

How will someone know how to treat you when you haven’t told them?

 

Communicate consequences clearly. Once you have told someone what you expect from them, you must also list their actions’ consequences. It is vital to choose if you will stay in the relationship or leave them; if their behavior toward you does not improve, then follow through with your decision. State the consequences clearly and if you will give them a second chance but always keep in mind your needs and values, not just theirs.

 

Communicate with assertiveness and nonverbally. Show assertiveness in your body language and avoid fidgeting no matter how uncomfortable you may feel. You must also communicate with your body language by sitting properly, keeping eye contact, and avoiding frowning. Do not point, as this will communicate blame.

 

Prepare yourself for pushback. Preparing yourself for how the person you are speaking to may react is critical. They might be surprised, annoyed, and sometimes angry that you are standing up for yourself. You must remain consistent, and most people will adjust in time.

 

Learning to become your own person leads to happiness and self-understanding.

 

Ending Our Time Together

 

Being a doormat is no fun as you lose yourself in the care of others. Most people do not choose to fall into the pattern of the doormat, but it can happen to anyone unless they are raised in a home that taught them self-respect.

 

Learning self-respect and setting up healthy boundaries when you are a doormat is frightening but rewarding. There is the fear that the other person will abandon you but being straight with people is always best if you want a healthy relationship.

 

If the other person does not respect your new boundaries, it is time to leave and seek someone who will. Many people out there would love to know the new you because they are looking for a partner, not an enslaved person.

 

“The people that truly love us in life don’t fight for us to remain a doormat for others.” – Shannon L. Alder

 

“The truth is, we tend to train people how we want to be treated. If others know you have wishy-washy boundaries, then they are free to walk all over you; the result… you become a doormat. We have actually trained others to do this when we will allow people to wipe their muddy feet on us. After all, we are doormats.”
– David W. Earle LPC