Poetry from the Heart

Posted On January 19, 2020

Sometimes a poem is written that grabs at the heart and won’t let go. Such is this poem that was written by a friend of mine, Jessica Baker. Jessica doesn’t have dissociative identity disorder but she does have a related problem borderline personality disorder. Both come from traumatic histories and both involve similar damage to the same brain regions. While people with the diagnosis of BPD might have dissociative features, they do not typically form alternate states.

Jessica was brutally traumatized in her early childhood like most of my readers and understands the pain and grief associated with healing.

Read this poem slowly and hear the gut-wrenching and power behind Jessica’s words.

I introduce to you Jessica Baker, In Your Shadow, I Stand and I Fall

In Your Shadow, I Stand, and I Fall

Jessica Baker

In your shadow, I stand, and I fall

With or without your presence my life’s battle has raged

My emotions toward you to me seem totally unreal

In your shadow, I feel sad, upset, and completely numb

When I needed a mother, but you were not there

To talk with me about boys and to put up my hair

Now when I see little girls laughing with their moms

Inside I get dizzy with joy, then crash like a bomb

You used to call me once in a while when I was a kid

Then in an ocean of inner tears, I would paste on a smile

Even when my heart was tormented, trapped, and broken inside

When I think of the pain that continues to this very day

The anger in me rages and makes me crave love

Many nights I’ve thought how my life could have been

Had you loved me how the fear would have never happened

I sob into my pillow, longing to be held by you mom

That’s how your shadow hangs over me like a black shroud

I’ve been told by well-meaning people that time heals all pain

I know that is not true, some wounds are just too deep

One thing you have done that has hurt me horribly

You moved away and left your daughter behind and alone

Your shadow for too long has cast darkness on my life

Like it or not mom, I am your kid, I am real

My brothers and me, we hardly knew you, yet are wounded

By your refusal to set us free and the absence of your love

The past several years have been very lonely and hard

My life has been flowing past me for too damn long

For too long your shadow has held me out of the light

Now I am ready to stand up and for my life fight

It took me some time to understand what you’ve done

But now the fight is on, and I’m determined to get free

While you remain clueless as to your effect on my life

I will thrive, receiving and giving love despite your denial

No longer will I be a victim in sorrow and pain

No longer in your shadow will I stand, nor will I fall